Grooming thineself

Oh to groom, you MUST groom,

As a woman, your doom

Do you learn of these traits as you bake in the womb?

And a groom, it’s a male

Yeah it figures the plan,

To make woman self conscious

Was taught by a man.

Prickly legs or a MO?

Bushy eyebrows, Hell no!

It’s a shame that you’re covered in fuzz that must grow.

To pluck and to tweeze

Errant hairs, BAH disease!

Don’t you wish those damn hairs would just fall out with ease?

On the subject of hair,

We could go all day,

Coz there’s sideburns, and toe hair, “Unmentionable” dismay

And the make-up girls wear?

It’s face painting with flare!

When you highlight each feature, you see it’s all there.

Oh, and blend your foundation

Yes you must, you must know

Is that base, that you paste, on your face there for show?

When you wash it all off,

All the lotions and creams,

Cleanser, toner and moisturizer make your skin feel a dream.

We go on to the clothes, as you primp and you press,

Is it shorts you should wear, maybe jeans or a dress?

Think about the occasion, the weather, your shoes

Just …  flatter your shape, or you’ll be no-one’s muse

Then there’s hair, yes more hair!

Though I mean on your head,

If you’re lucky it’s perfect, when you rise from your bed.

The tools for this trade,

For construction? Not so,

Cement, putty and gel,

Hair extensions that glow?

Accessories to accessorize,

Oh my goodness, it’s fair,

To match earrings, I’ve found one!

Dammit! Where is the pair?

A necklace, a bracelet, should they really all match?

Would you help me connect, lift my hair, fit the catch

And a ring, yeah some bling!

Is a FULL matching set a necessary thing?

Oh the effort it takes, to prepare to be seen

And you constantly check yourself, pulling, you preen

You strap garters, wear half slips, bra’s, panties and more

All that energy spent, just to walk out the door.

The point?

Oh there’s none, don’t you read what I write?

But you wasted five minutes

Reading crap for the night.

Busty Orbs, Obviously Bothersome!

Let's take a minute ladies, to talk about boobs.

Boobs are functional, built for the nourishment of babes, to be enjoyed, sexual chocolate, but mostly ... annoying.

As the bearer of an unnecessary sized chest, I think to myself, why would anyone want to get a boob job to make their jugs bigger?

In my opinion, and since it's my blog, it's really the only one that matters, more than a handful of mammary is a waste. 

You know what big boobs give you?

• A sore back. Carrying 10 pounds of breast can cause some back havoc.
• You look chubbier than you truly are. For some reason, the eye is drawn to the widest part of the body, so big boobs draw the eye out, making the bearer appear larger than they probably are. There is scientific proof somewhere that this is truth.
• You have to buy bigger tops. Your tops have to be longer, to stretch over the expanse of chest. 
• Button ups? Forget it! Those buttons will be stretched and mishapen, and  the material under the bust will hang limp and shapeless.
• Demure and cute? Think again! With a bust that size, everything looks porny.
• Running? Be sure you've poured yourself into no less than two sports bra's, possibly three. You want to keep the ladies close and secure.
• Tight Tops? No
• Horizontal Stripes? No.
• V Necks? Be cautious.  If it's too low, you look porny. Too high? You look chunky.
• Halternecks? They'll break your neck.

• Permanent Bra Dents in your shoulders. These suckers can get HEAVY! And on that note ....
• Sleep in a bra. You want 'em to stay perky? Keep 'em elevated. Though that under wire may be uncomfortable, stabbing you whilst you rest, it's better than having droopy knee slappers that you have to roll up like socks and fold into your bra. Ah the imagery.
• Braless?NEVER!
• Check your blindspot. Under the shelf of your chest is your big busted blind spot. Sometimes you can pick up strays under there .. like  a pen, or a piece of paper, food, who knows? It happens. 

Once a month, when things expand, I want to still have 2 boobs, and not have them double into 4. I'd like to be able to breathe comfortable, and not feel like I'm heaving in a fitted dress.

I want to run without holding myself, sleep without being stabbed, and not have the ladies constantly trying to make an appearance by popping buttons on a daily basis.

I guess my point is, A cup ladies, I'm jealous. Enjoy the freedom you have!

To the toilet we go!

If you’re my fb friend you’ll know, over the past few weeks Stephen and I have braved the “Attack against the Toilet” with our 3 year old son.

Koa is the kind of kid who has to decide he wants to do something. No amount of encouragement, or incentive will change his mind.

If you’ve ever spent any time talking to our Koala Bear, you’ll know this kid is an opinionated, stubborn, independent little bugger.

For example, over Christmas, he was being a rather naughty little boy. At one point I was so sick of it I told him “If you continue to be naughty, Santa isn’t going to bring you any presents”. 

Thinking I had bested him with my brilliance, his response of “So” shut me down. Granted, as a 3 yr old I don’t think he can truly comprehend what I was saying, but still, I was caught off guard. 

Don’t worry, he did end up getting some presents, which he was extremely grateful for, the point of that story was to highlight his indifference.

Truly, we wouldn’t have him any other way.

With Mana, we waited awhile to potty train him, but once we did, it was a cinch. It was basically nappy off, here’s-the-toilet-use-it, undies on.  Champ.

It was ignorant of me to assume the same ease with Koa, but one can hope right?

So, in order to get this kid into undies, I figured I’d read up on what I needed to do to get him going,  so I’ve added that wonderful advice below, so you can see how they  did or did not work for us.

Is your child ready for potty training?

If I left this up to Koa, he would never be ready.  We attempted to broach the topic about 6 months ago with him, and we were met with hysterics. 

 About 3 months ago when we tried again, we were privy to his fear “Mummy, will you hold me while I go” and even though we would hold him, he wouldn’t actually go.

His biggest fear at that point was falling into the toilet, so for his security, he needed some one to hold on to him, and tight.

 In the past month, when he started his process of *nappie elimination, we decided it was time.

Go shopping for potty supplies.

This I was on board for. I went to the almighty Walmart and let my baby pick something he was willing to sit on. He chose a Lightning McQueen toilet seat with handles that sits on top of the toilet. We got some Diego undies (his favourite) and those Gerber extra padded training pants (once recommended to me by a good friend) and were on our way. As a back up, a packet of Lightning McQueen pull ups was also purchased and kept on hand.

• The Gerber undies absorbed a lot of pee, so for accidents, it didn't get all over the furniture
• The Diego undies, Koa tried harder not to pee on those, because he thinks Diego is cool
• Pull ups = Laziness, for him, they were like wearing nappies

Practice being a good potty coach.

I’m good for a high five and a way-to-go, but other than that I’m out. I definitely understand the necessity of positive reinforcement, and I’ll do that, but I’m not raising a generation me kid. The first few times its praise and encouragement, after that it becomes an expectation.

Establish a potty training Reward System.

This did not work. Koa loves chocolate, it's one of his favourite treats, but when I tried to use that as a reward, he informed me “I don’t like chocolate”. Untrue. He just wasn’t interested in chocolate if it meant he had to go to the toilet.

Figure out your kid’s potty Training schedule.

HAHAHAHAHA. If I could figure this out, I would have attempted to do this ages ago. His body doesn’t have a schedule, or at least one that is clearly identifiable by me. Some days he’ll wake up dry, some days he’ll have soaked through his clothes, though every night he goes to sleep with a clean nappy on.

Choose and use potty words for potty training.

No. Poo’s and wee’s or poo’s and pee’s, that’s stupid enough for me.

Cutesy words, pee pee's, poopie, they annoy me, so I'm not using them.

SIDE NOTE: For entertainment purposes, Koa can and will say “Drop a deuce” as in “Did you just drop a deuce” or “I need to drop a deuce” though that is purely for my amusement.

Become a potty supermodel.

This point was highlighted by the words “Monkey see, Monkey do”.  Since I’ve got boys, I’ll leave that to their father. Though entertaining it may be for them to watch me attempt to pee standing, my boys are already skilled at peeing on the floor.

Teach your kid about washing and wiping.

Teach men in general the importance of this.

Have a potty party.

After a week of potty training, and an entire day with undies (not pull ups) we had a celebration dinner at CPK, where our baby ate his entire pizza (minus the crust) and was extremely proud of himself.

Going #2 is phase #2.

Not the case. Koa has not had an issue crapping on the toilet, in fact he would ask to be put on the toilet for a dump, and would continue to pee his pants.

Dress for success.

Clearly leaving your kid in a onesie that they can’t get themselves out of quickly is not conducive to successful potty training. And unless you’re a baby, overalls are ugly. No worries here.

In all honesty, it is persistence speckled with understanding that has helped us.

Helping Koa get through this is truly our first success of 2012.

*nappie elimination – The process of separating and not wearing any nappies with the following:

Including but not limited to Ariel-The Little Mermaid, Minnie Mouse ANY Disney princess or character of female origin.

*Nappy = Diaper