Two on Two

"There is NO GREATER achievement then going to the bathroom, after lunch, and finding you are the ONLY ONE in the stall. You are free to enjoy the sights and sounds that only an empty bathroom can give you." -  Murt.

DEDICATED TO Abs & Dabs 

So, if you work in an office such as I do, you'll know the challenge that we all often face with privacy... there isn't any.

And when it comes to dropping a deuce, I know for sure I need some privacy!

Is it performance anxiety if you can't take a crap when someone else is listening ?

That silence before you bust out a mean fart can really make you sweat.

I seriously admire those people who can drop their pants, and bust some ass, without a care in the world, I mean, if they can carry on a conversation while doing that? More power to you.

I've talked to my brother, Murt, about how you pooh in the bathroom on your office buildings floor, without getting caught.

He's a shoe man, loves his kicks, and he said there are a number of steps you have to take before you can drop a load like a ninja.

1. Scope out the territory. You've gotta make sure the bathroom is empty when you sneak in, if someone’s in there already, you might have to wash your hands or blow your nose, its a bit suspicious if you just walk in and walk straight out.
2. If the bathroom is all clear, head to the furtherest stall. There is a slight gab in the doors in most public rest rooms, so in order to avoid being seen, you need to head on down to the last cubicle. To be sure no-one knows it’s you, you have to lift your feet off the ground (my shoe loving brothers tip). If someone happens to come in while you're in the middle of popping a squat, they won't be able to see your shoes, and therefore, won't know who it is stinking out the bathroom.
3. If someone does happen to come in while you are dropping the kids off at the pool, and you are nervous about them hearing you, wait for the breaks in their routine. When they pull the toilet paper down, push some out, when they flush the toilet, another push, and when they wash their hands, bust it out again.
4. If you finish right as someone walks in, wait for them to enter the stall, then quickly flush the toilet, wash your hands, and ninja out.

I'm not about to try and be all sneaky like that, too much effort.

I have some friends, we'll call Abs and Dabs, and we all discuss at length, the idea that it is NOT a good idea, to pooh on your own floor.

We have a saying, two on two, meaning number two, on floor two.

See, the problem with going on the first floor of your building is that everyone going in and out of the building can still see you walk to the bathroom.

Sometimes you might get off the elevator on the first floor with a smoker who is headed outside for a cigarette break, and there is a strong possibilty that you might also get back on the elevator with them, earning you a puzzled look.

We can discuss this topic at length in the future, but I'm wondering, which method you prefer ?

Are you a pooh ninja or is it two on two for you ?